Yoga Hosers (Review)

 

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Written by J. Weagle

Do your ‘wurst…

If you didn`t already know, Yoga Hosers is a movie for kids.  That seems odd coming from Kevin Smith, the acclaimed director of Clerks, Chasing Amy and many more popular titles that you may or may not have heard of.  It`s also the second part of what he calls his `true north`trilogy, which is to say that in many ways it is a sequel to his 2014 film Tusk and happens to feature familiar characters from that film.  The difference with that film however is that it was in no way intended for kids, and rather it was a brutal body horror film about a man being turned into a walrus, which right away has me asking who is Yoga Hosers intended for.  Add to that, a ridiculous story line about two fifteen year old girls who work in a convenience store in Winnipeg who are assaulted by a bunch of mini Canadian Nazi men made of bratwurst, it seems that Yoga Hosers is Smith at his most confused, either that or he has completely lost his mind.

The film is set in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada and follows Colleen Collette and her best friend and fellow co-worker Colleen McKenzie – both fifteen year old girls who spend their free time doing Yoga and playing music.  When they are not doing that they can be found with their faces buried deep in their phones liking pictures of Instagram, and not paying attention to the real world around them.  The real world gets interesting however when they are invited to a senior High school party, and uncover a forgotten evil history of the Canadian Nazi.  The script is just plain awful, with absolutely no redeeming factors when it comes to story progression, characters or just about anything else a movie needs to exist.  I understand that I am perhaps not the target audience for Smith`s take on millennial teenage girls, but I think when it comes right down to it not even millennial teenage girls will find anything to relate to in this great big unfunny mess of a movie.

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Smith has decided to cast his daughter Harley Quinn Smith, and Johnny Depp`s daughter Lily Rose in the leads and they do an alright job.  Though to be fair this movie is not a very accurate indicator of their talents because with a script as poorly written as this one, not even Daniel Day Lewis could breathe any life into it.  They both come of as a parody of teenage girls, a category I know nothing about, and because they are about the age of the characters they are playing I`ll assume they did an okay job.  The real problem is that they just aren`t very likable, usually seeming to be too stupid or too bitchy for me to want to invest any time in them.  The other roles are populated by familiar faces that I can`t help but feel sorry for, such as Justin Long as the yoga instructor, Johnny Depp reprising his role from Tusk and even a cameo by comic book legend Stan Lee.

Though the real meat of the film is following the two Colleen`s yoga adventures, we also get some dumb story about ancient Canadian Nazi`s from Montreal who disappeared without a trace back in the 1940`s.  Also there are tiny Nazi men who look like Hitler made of bratwurst, running around inserting themselves into people`s asses and moving through their bodies like something out of Alien.  It`s all nonsense, and to make matters worse it is nonsense that is flat out impossible to care about.

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I`ll admit I haven`t been the biggest fan of Kevin Smith over the years, however I do think he has created some truly great films in the past.  It`s impossible not to respect what he did throughout the 1990`s, building a solid filmography based on strong characters and some humorous dialogue that was sort of revolutionary at the time.  Lately Smith has been in a new chapter of his career that really started with Red State (a fantastic horror film) where he has full creative freedom on his films, after what he considers being completely fucked over by the Hollywood system.  I think it is odd then that Smith made Yoga Hosers, a film that lacks any of the hallmarks he has become popular for over the last two or three decades.  To put it frankly, I`m not sure what Yoga Hosers is, or what he was trying to create with it and it only makes me think that perhaps Smith works best when he has some guidelines keeping him in place and on track.

1star

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