Argento’s Dracula 3D (Review)

argentosdracula1

Written by J. Weagle

Someone call Christopher Lee because Hammer Horror is back.  Or not.

This might be the most polarizing film I’ve seen all year, but I think it’s safe to say that the only coffin here is the one this movie makes for Argento’s career.  I still find it hard to believe that the man who created some of the greatest horror films of all time made this.  There are no traces of the his work here, with the exception of his daughter, Asia Argento and her wonderful boobs.

8.-RUTGER-HAUER-HAS-A-CROSS-TO-BEAR-AS-THE-VAMPIRE-HUNTER-VAN-HELSING-IN-ARGENTOS-DRACULA-3DWhen I first heard about this, I’ll admit I was excited despite the fact that the last two Argento movies haven’t lived up to his legacy – they still managed to be somewhat enjoyable.  Not so much for Dracula 3D.  There is zero ambition put on display here, and he gives us no reason as to why nearing the end of his career he decided to make his own mark on the legendary Dracula franchise.  It really is baffling, that he didn’t add anything unique, and instead played it as close to the Bram Stroker original as he possibly could, oh, except for the Giant Praying Mantis.  Yes, (spoiler alert) near the end of the film there is a scene where Dracula turns into a giant poorly rendered CGI Praying Mantis.

Oh speaking of Dracula (since this is his movie, right?) he’s played by Thomas Kretschmann (King Kong, Wanted) and boy does he show very little effort, and he’s not the slightest bit menacing.  He’s clearly not to blame however as the script is awful and all of the actors phoned this one in.  Seriously, none of the actors appear at all interested, not even his own daughter.  With all that being said, Argento seemed much more interested in showcasing tits, and severing some guys than building any sort of horror.

Among the tits revealed is that of his daughters, which is nothing new but does seem a little weird at this point.  With that being said, her fantastic boobs are the best thing about this near two hour snore fest, and they completely steal an entire scene.  Yes, not even Asia could save this mess and I’m a fan of both her boobs and work.  Did I mention her boobs?

There are a few more “big” names that show up, a notable one being Rutger Hauer who plays Van Helsing.  Sadly it’s pretty obvious that he wasn’t even trying and yet he still manages to out act the rest of the cast.  The special effects are so bad that they’ll make you wonder why they didn’t just use all practical effects, and to be honest the CGI reminded me of early Playstation One cutscenes.

8e2520e79ee4a08ac637dae1465f1be8When Dracula 3D started, I laughed.  It started out as a good kind of laughter.  To be fair I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but from the terribly cheesy opening sequence I immediately assumed I was in for a campy take on the tale.  This thought continued for about the first twenty minutes or so, and than it got to a point where I realized that I was not watching Argento’s tribute to classic hammer horror films of the 40’s and 50’s, and instead I was witnessing a complete and utter misstep.

What could have been a really cool take on Dracula through the eyes of one of horror’s finest filmmakers ended up being a total piece of garbage.  However I will say if you are a fan of bad movies you’ll find something here, I’m not sure what but something.  I laughed, I cried and I will probably never watch this rubble ever again.  Oh, I just wanted to point out that I watched this film in 2D, however from what I’ve seen the 3D sucks to.  Like really sucks, like remember Friday the 13th Part 3?  Yeah, that bad.

1star

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